"May all who love the Lord, love you and those who don't love you, may the Lord give them a limp so you can see them coming."

"A compliment is a statement of an agreeable truth; flattery is a statement of an agreeable untruth."

"And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed."

"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

"I know a mother-in-law who sleeps with her glasses on, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams."

"The creation of art is not the fulfillment of a need but the creation of a need. The world never needed Beethoven's Fifth Symphony until he created it. Now we could not live without it."

"Every government is run by liars. Nothing they say should be believed."

"Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."

"Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."

"What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance."